Pakthryxl Proxy Adventure Path

The Indestructible Creature!!! Boated with the Blood of its Victims!!!
Captain’s log found in a gunnel

“Wow. That’s a lot of screaming coming from Ecanus. Huh. Mages are tough I’m sure not many will get absorbed. Bil Li draw me a bath. I just got a new idea for an ooze. Picture an ooze that digests your food for you! Think about it no more chewing!”, snapped Rudale, apparently his melancholy was short lived. You didn’t need to be a mind scientist to see Rudhale had no intentions of stopping his blobs. However, his rash demeanor got under Goethe and Lorenz’s skin like a tick.

“We’ll stop the blobs! I’m sure we’ll be handsomely rewarded by Ecanus”, quoted Lorenz.
“That’s the spirit”, shouted Rudhale already in his bathrobe, “Little known fact! Fleshforges make fantastic bath tubs”.

We were off to Ecanus in a flicker. I had much trepidation in my dragon soul. Blobs and oozes are freaking terrifying to fight under the best circumstances let alone blind. We appeared in front of the north gate. I am starting to get used to this teleporting thing! Hundreds of people were fleeing the city in a chaotic rush. I saw more than one person get flattened by the mob and saw much looting. We spotted a platoon of city guards pushing against the bedlam.

“We’re here to help. We’ve been tracking a chartreuse ooze for many miles. Tell us where to go and we will annihilate it”, Aven offered to the guard Captain. The battlemage, Tsadok, looked us over with a knowing look. We must of passed his internal test because he told us where to best support his troops.

Goethe casted a few fly spells and we weaved around the building in a mad dash. The freaking carnivorous blob was the size of a three story building! My “we’re dead” thoughts intensified. Who knew how many pounds of flesh it had already consumed. City guards were busy trying to box it in with magic, but their parameter wasn’t finished. The blob steadily was pulling screaming people out a cobblestone building one at a time like it was eating grapes off a vine. As each person got dissolved the ooze swelled a little more. It was only a matter of seconds before Funky Boy was going to split again!

We took our positions hovering above the buildings. We spotted a foolish bunch of city mages trying to sneak by the blob. Lorenz did his best to direct them away. I squeezed off a shot at the blob only for it to be deflected by an amorphous pseudopods. Goddamnit, I hate anything that doesn’t fall down when shot! I thought to myself, “I made it through Vosh I can make it through this bullshit”. I opened fire like never before. My bullets would’ve blocked out the sun if it was sunny out!

Goethe experimented with a new spell that I had never seen him use before. He summoned a toxic cloud of gas near the blob which drove the monster back further into a building. I heard a person from inside the building scream, “Oh God! Who casted cloud kill?”, then silence. It occurred to me that Goethe may have been trying to kill the blob’s food source, but I don’t think he would do that. Would he? The blob made it to the top of the ramshackle building to get away from the death cloud. With the ooze out of reach Goethe dismissed the noxious cloud. The carnivorous blob spotted the group of sneaky mages who were desperately preparing to close off the trapping parameter. The blob rained down on them like a bloody waterfall of death.

Sometimes I think Lorenz has a no self preservation instinct. He has a soft spot for weak munthreks. The crazy bastard actual swan dived into the pulsating ooze after the swallowed guards! I bet his life flashed before his eyes a few times. I had to help so I decided to put Bruner’s teaching to the test. Can a tiny bullet move a hundred ton blob? Hell yes it can! I packed my musket with a lot of black powder and took aim. It sounded like a freaking cannon when I fired. The bullet hit the ooze with a concussive force so great it rippled through the ooze like a fat guy belly flopping in a pond. I managed to move the colossal ooze uncovering the smashed guards and Lorenz. Lorenz looked immaculate except he was grasping on to a bloody detached arm of an absorbed guard. But he did manage to save a different guard’s whole body before the blob recovered. If you ask me, it was a goddamn miracle he saved even one of the guards from that indestructible monster.

The blob freshly bloated with guard blood recovered by splitting into two gigantic blobs! The two half size blobs tried to escape to the city through an alley way. Aven, Goethe, and I managed to destroy them before they got too far into the meat and blood buffet that is Ecanus. I learned a valuable lesson fighting that blob. Big blob, little blob. It didn’t matter, I’m the guy with the gun.

We helped mop up the living gore piles for the rest of the evening. Ecanus owes us big time and I aim to collect.

View
The Wizard of Ooze!!! On the Precipice of Apocalypse
Captains log found on the sheet

“Should we knock?”, I snickered, marveling at the staggering amount of blood.
“Nah…they rolled out the red carpet for us”, Lorenz sarcastically responded.
“That’s the most blood I have even seen!”, blurted Aven.
“I’ve seen more. Much much more”, a way too serious Myrrh added.
“I can think of thirteen possible reasons why this fleshforge is so bloody”, Goethe stated, he continued after a deep breath, “First, a back end sphincter malfunction…”.
Lorenz interjected, “Please keep it to yourself Goethe. I just ate”.

We unceremoniously entered the bloody tower. Unbelievably it was twice as bloody on the inside, floor to ceiling and wall to wall. No one greeted us so we took a look around. The first floor seemed to be a warehouse full of strange alchemical goods.

“Mostly ooze countermeasures”, Goethe explained.
“For fucks sake, I hate oozes. Why do creepy towers always mess with oozes? Why not make something useful like a more delicious cow?”, I rambled.
“Quiet! I hear someone”, snapped Lorenz.

I heard it too, the muffled wails of someone on the verge of a dirt nap. Lorenz and Aven bolted to the rescue. They found a munthrek man on the ground writhing in agony. Up close, you could see something projecting under his skin like wandering goosebumps the size of rigging knots. Before I knew it, I was blindsided by the pool of blood under my feet. The bloody ooze forced its viscous pudding down my open mouth. I threw it up and ran away like a frightened child.

“It’s trying to get me pregnant with ooze babies! I felt it release its seed!”, I cried. Aven and Goethe eliminated the threat while Lorenz cared for the screaming man, ignoring me completely. I watched as the others kept pouring precious rum and other rancid concoctions down the limp man’s throat.

“Why torture him more?”, I asked after composing myself.
“He’s got an angry ooze in his gut. We need vinegar!”, demanded Aven.
“Ahh! A simple acid, C2H4O2, give me a moment. Where did I put my portable lab?”, Goethe proclaimed. His what?

Sure as water is wet, Goethe spontaneously catalyzed up a vial of vinegar. The man puked up an entire blood pudding ooze monster (So Gross!) which we dispatched quickly before it could impregnate anyone else. After, Lorenz got the guy, Bil Li, healthy enough for talking. He told us to find Rudhale in the fleshforge chambers below that his boss would know what to do. We went downstairs and checked out the fleshforge chambers. Turns out, a flesh forge is just a big bath tub with lots of arcane engraving on it, I was expecting a crazy over-engineered butcher shop with skinned animals everywhere so it was a bit of a letdown. From one of the four chambers we heard some mysterious shuffling. Goethe summoned an invisible scout to check out the noises. A few seconds later…

“You’re the wayyy wrong coLor! You little devil!”, a man effervescently shouted, his voice oozed with all the eccentricities of a fabled flim flam man. We heard a barrage of explosions and ego-maniacally laughing from the chamber.

“Rudhale?”, yelled Lorenz.
“Yes! What coLor are you?”, questioned an outlandish voice.
“Black, blue, white, and pale”, Goethe sharply answered.
“Wayyy wrong answer! Bombs Away!”, shouted the bizarre man behind the door.
“Wait! We’re chartreuse like you. Ignore that other idiotic. He’s blinder than a deaf bat”, saved Lorenz. He pointed at the chartreuse ashy dust on the floor and motioned to Goethe to magically change us to the same color.
“Ahhhh…well if that’s the case. I need a nap…”, the man yawned.

We entered the vat room and found a sleeping chartreuse munthrek with perfectly coiffed hair wearing wing tips and a flamboyant fur outlined lab coat. Immediately, we tied him up and disarmed him. Lorenz somehow managed to cure the odd man of his chartreuse sheen with diamond dust and magic.

“What are you doing here?”, asked Lorenz.
“Great question, Mister. I mean, what are any of us doing here? Wow. Food for thought”, Rudhale answered as he rose. He shook his head and yawned again.
“I’m Rudhale, Captain of Industry, that’s if your industry is ooze. I started out, making platypus bears, but there’s no money in platypus bears even though they’re more tender than beef…”, he continued in his charismatic manner, “I had a vision one night about oozes, the bigger the better the richer I get, so I switched production. Let me tell you oozes are the next big thing. I plan to put an ooze in every home, they’re that useful!”.

“Focus Rudhale! What the hell man? Where are your oozes?”.
“Don’t know about that. The last thing I remember, I was in my observatory watching a meteor shower while sanding the calluses off my feet. Hmmm…that reminds me I think I have a rash. Where’s my assistant? Bil Li! Bil Li!”, Rudhale exclaimed in a carefree manner. He began to stretch wildly like a baby bird.
“I need to do my Rudhale-calisthenics program to get my mind warmed up. Genius takes a warm mind”. he said while doing pelvic lunges with his arms akimbo. Was this munthrek for real?
“We scraped Bil Li off the ground ten minutes ago. He is barely alive upstairs”.
“Great! Tell him to go downstairs and do the thing”, said Rudhale mid handstand.

“Why downstairs?”.
“I am guessing my top secret carnivorous blobs are down there. They shouldn’t have gotten too big. Only 10 or 12 people to absorb down there. They’re each probably no bigger than a platypus bear, two tops. Luckily, I don’t keep the leftover platypus bears down there this time of year, they’re real jerks when in heat”, Rudhale elaborated while bending over to touch his toes.
“Strangely, I’m allergic to oozes. I got it! My Rudhale-calisthenics must be working!! Why don’t you fellas do the thing for me?”, he said, then he stood erect and flashed his pearly whites at us.

I couldn’t tell if Rudhale was a brilliant genius or a brilliant bullshit artist. No matter which, we were already committed by our own curiosity. Why not clear a few more floors? We crept downstairs past the bunks to the cellar. My dragon heart pumped like crazy. I’m certain I’m developing an ooze phobia. Then I saw the red undulating blob.

Definitely an ooze phobia! The carnivorous ooze was straight out of my worst nightmares. A huge alien pool of blood red unrelenting uncaring hunger! It was so big I didn’t need to aim. I just closed my eyes and fired and fired and fired. When I opened my eyes, the ooze was splattered everywhere in abstract gore like a red drip painting. Aven looked like he was part of the canvas, “Cease Fire!”, he shouted, “It’s dead”.
“Did it get you pregnant?”, I asked.

“How many blobs did you find?”, Rudhale called down from atop the stairwell.
“One”, answered Goethe. Did he expect more?
“How many fleshforges were open again?”, he quizzed in a shaky tone. What else was the bastard hiding?
“Two”, replied Goethe.

“Whoa! The voices in my head don’t like that. I was hoping the burnt ooze odor was coming from down there and not Ecanus. Well fellas! I got one more little thing for you to do. Why don’t you come to the roof?”, he finished. You could tell something was off with him. He talked too fast even for a crackpot fast talker.

Once on the tower roof, we saw Ecanus a few miles away burning like a five alarm fire. You could practically warm your hands from the heat. Between the razed buildings we saw a few glimpses of a massive crimson blob rolling and twitching. Yup, definitely an ooze phobia, I struggled to hold in my puke. It was biggest freaking creature I’d ever seen!

“I named him Funky Boy. I added something special I found in the Mana Wastes to the ooze mix. Funky Boy loves to absorb magic flesh. Can you imagine the amount of magic he can absorb in Ecanus? He may never stop growing.”, Rudhale spoke with bewildered fascination. Funky Boy came into view again, engulfed a score of battlemages, split in two, and then split in four. The look on Rudhale’s face turned from fascination to horror to melancholy.

In a subdued tone, Rudhale spoke one last time, “Bil Li, won’t you look at that? Funky Boy is a daddy now. So Beautiful. I guess that makes me the grand daddy of the Apocalypse”.

View
The Wonders of Alkenstar City!!! Cosmic Mud Monsters Attack!!!
Captain's log found on hawser

I’ve hardly had a wet dream as sweet as the honed smog scent that filled Alkenstar City’s air. That sweet honey blend of black powder, bullets, and gun metal made you want to lick up the sky until it’s was all gone. Just thinking about it sends shivers through my reproductive organs! In all our travels, finally a munthrek city worth visiting. My wet dream in the wastes!

Some say Alkenstar City is the birthplace of firearms, which may be true, but I always thought it’s the birthplace of something even greater. The birthplace of the little guy kicking ass! The little guy has taken shit since the dawn of the first age. Sure magic levels the playing field for a lucky few, but most little guys still eat shit for breakfast. Just ask a gnome. Or a Kobold. That will end soon! The Gunworks has given little guys like me a way to make up for ages of butt hurt. Mark my words the way of the gun will usher in a new age. The Age of the Little Guy!

Alkenstar City did not disappoint. I was gobbled up by the technology on every street corner. I spent most of my time ogling the stock at the Rusty Glove the shop of celebrity gunsmith Bruner Durwel. Only in Alkenstar can a celebrity be a gunsmith! I just had to do business with him. My crew was kind enough to grant my wish. I traded Camrad’s stranger pistols for a personal lesson from Gunmaster Durwel. He taught me some crazy tricks that I can’t wait to unleash! Also, Myrrh was kind enough to loan me some money for my very first sniper rifle, affectionately named the Longshot. The first bastard to get his head blown off from this masterpiece is going to be a miles away from me. He won’t see it coming. He may even deserve it. I wish I had more time for the wonders of Alkenstar City, but we had to rendezvous with the rest of our crew in Quantium.

We followed Camrad’s final instructions and took the Ustradi River north to Ecanus. Luckily we were killing two munthreks with one bullet. First, we were going that way anyways. Second, the Grand Duchy would handsomely reward us for removing the blockage to their supply line. Lorenz and Aven discovered that the Ustradi river was blocked by either mud, flesh forged monsters, or cosmic forces. I was hoping it was cosmic mud monsters. Maybe we’d get triple the reward?

The truth was a little more chartreuse. From the two run aground supply ships that blocked the river we were attacked by a mob of chartreuse animals, munthreks, and a freaking giant. It was very mysterious, one second they were napping and the next they attacked like barbarians hopped on midnight milk speedballs. They might of been made of paper since they died so easily. Which was great, except they exploded like pinatas into puffs of yellow-green ash when killed. I got covered by one of the flakey chartreuse ash clouds. I felt the ash leach into my scales like a twenty-four hour mole marinade. The ash tried to rob me of me by draining my spirit to kick ass, but I wouldn’t let it. I quickly washed myself in the river while the others took care of the rest of the paper people. After the extermination, we found a crater full of the chartreuse ash. Master Goethe took a sample then pointed to the sky with a knowing look.

“This cosmic residue reminds me of an aura of languor. I suggest not touching it”, Goethe stated with textbook efficiency. Why would we touch it? A collective “No Duh” moment was had by the rest of us.

“What’s cosmic?”, I asked.
“From outer space”, responded Goethe.
“What’s outer space?”, I asked.
“You know the universe above”, responded Goethe. This back and forth went on for awhile. Eventually a very frustrated Goethe described outer space to me in simple terms, “The sky above the sky. Where stars hangout”.

I know about stars, I’m a sea captain after all, stars are holes poked in the night sky by my spear chucking Kobold ancestors. Goethe argued stars were masses of incandescent gases that were millions of miles away. I told Goethe he was crazy, “Goethe your crazy! How can things millions of miles away help you navigate a ship?”.

Goethe was so irritated with me he summoned a dinosaur to sort out the ships. We continued on our way to Ecanus in the largest supply ship. It was clear travel for a spell, but things got a little bloody for us like they always do. We approached a small island in the center of the river that had a very tall tower on it. As we moved closer, we could see streams of blood leaking out from all the entrances and windows. From point blank, the tower looked like a big bleeding hunk of raw meat. So naturally we had to check it out.

The sign above the main entrance stained in blood read, “All hope abandon, ye who enter the Vats”.

View
The Walloping in the Wastes!!! Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!
Captain’s log found in a stateroom

I swear there was a ring announcer there calling the shots.

“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the moment you’ve been waiting for! The mythic superfight one hundred years in the making is only seconds away! From the worn out Spellscar Desert in the Mana Wastes, this fight is brought to you by Gray Dragon Machinations and Golden Apsu Promotions.

Introducing on the east cliff, three undead heroes with a bone to pick and an axe to grind. They’ve waited one hundred years for this chance! Please give it up for the Captain of the Waybringer, by way of Cheliax, a Grave Knight with a passion for acid and equestrian games. Aerodus-I-can’t-believe-I-failed-Apsu Pavooooo! Next, be prepared to be bewitched by an undead witch that will light your heart on fire. The ghostly Linnnnnni! Lastly, a stranger with no fear of danger, Alkenstars very own. Camrad of the Wastes!

Now introducing the challengers on the west cliff, Apsu’s newest wunderkinds, the five living members of the Deep Sea Current. Hatched on Raptor Island, turned pirate, the gun toting kobold who never misses his target. Captain I’m-a-Real-Dragon Rrrrreskafarrr! Now you see him. Now you don’t. A foxman assassin not afraid to get down and dirty or a little bit flirty. The magnificent Myrrrrrrrh! There are stars, there are superstars, and there are chosen ones. This morning the Chosen One is with us. Chosen for what? Thats for you to know and him to find out! Meet the unkind undine, Aven! He may have fungus for eyes and a clock for a hand but logic dictates you won’t want to miss out on our next master of disaster. A tiefling magician with all the answers and none of the charm, Professor Goethe! Ladies you won’t want to miss our last competitor! He’s rich! He’s famous! He’ll swept you off your feet if you let him speak, but don’t ask him to take out the trash. Magnimar’s one and only, Lord! Vestin!! The Fourrrrrth!!!

With the whole world hanging in the balance, the stakes are higher than ever in this winner take all mythic showdown. So slap on your swim suit it’s going to be a blood bath!!!”

Ahhh! That’s more like it.

My trigger finger was getting mighty itchy. I looked to the other side of the gulch at the poor undead bastards who picked the fight. They had no idea what was about to go down! Goethe and Lorenz got the feather token and made all the right preparations and then some. They brought me a ghost buster of a musket, scrolls to cure what ailed us, a tower shield, holy acid, an appendix of contingency plans, and most importantly a case of sugarcane rum. After getting patched up, stone-skinned, empowered to fly, and rearmed, I felt better than my old self. The others were pumped up too. The communal anticipation had the dragonflies in stomach breathing fucking fire. I was red hot and fired up!

Tebrilith started playing. The announcer roared the play by play in a nasally pitched jibber jabber.

“We are underway! Graveman Aerodus and Camrad are taking the fight straight to the challengers chins on their phantom steed express. They just ripped through Aven’s tower shield with pulse pounding fury! This isn’t a cat and mouse game like most predicted, this is lions fighting tigers. And I love it!

Master Goethe just lost control of his arcane powers like a crazed bull in a china shop. Folks, primal magic is a harsh mistress! That unexpected negative energy bomb might end things before the blood and guts really start to fly. Myrrh and Aven are lying on the ground like lumps of steaming rhino stool. Everyone in attendance is shocked by the turn of events. Geothe, Reskafar, and Lorenz avoided much of the negative titty twister but can they really go toe-to-toe with the fully charged up Aerodus and Camrad? It’s not looking good folks!

Wow! Did you see that? Captain Reskafar just sent Camrad’s dusty bones back to the grave with a vicious brimstone volley.

By the look of it, Lorenz is hiding in a bush now. Wait! Lord Vestin is the bush! Is this the work of primal magic or a devious strategy? The invincible juggernaut Aerodus is closing in on the leafy Lorenz. I can smell Lorenz’s sweet scent of fear from my booth, it smells like elderberries. Can the bushman restore Aven and Myrrh in time before he is pruned by Aerodus’ great clipper?

Holy Quantium! In another unbelievable twist, Professor Goethe has reappeared with a pack of wild cerberuses. What’s that now? The albino tiefling just moon beamed a magic balloon full of black grease at Aerodus’s weapon. Holy Smokes!…Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies!…it hit!…it hit! Aerodus is fumbling his sword like it’s a bar of soap in the bathtub. He can’t get a grip! He looks mad as a hornet! Let’s see what he can do without his stinger. What a spectacular way for Goethe to redeem himself!

Down goes Aerodus! Down goes Aerodus! The revived unkind undine and sly fox did the impossible with their bladed teamwork. In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I’d seen it all, folks. But I ain’t never seen that!

Lini still won’t give up! Her witchfire and wisps got the little kobold captain looking for a hole to hide in! She sank into the ground. She isn’t playing fair. And I like it!

Dawn just broke! I can see the challengers surging with renewed energy! The ghostly Lini has her work cut out for her if she is going to make a comeback. Wait. I am getting a signal from the referee. Ladies and gentlemen it’s over! Lini through in the towel, she wants no part of the sun.

In a stunning upset, scoring the win by careful planning, quick thinking, and good ol’ dumb luck, the new heroes on the Obelisk of Myth. Please give it up for Reskafar, Aven, Myrrh, Goethe, and Lorenz! These guys need some butter because their on a roll!”

Ahhh! That’s more like it.

I gotta hand it to Goethe. His planning and quick thinking were our trump cards. Sure he almost killed us all by triggering that negative energy wave, but his magic was still the difference maker. First, his stoneskin spell negated many of Camrad’s bullets. Second, his cerberuses drew much of Aerodus’ ire. Third, that grease spell was fucking genius. It was hilarious watching that armored titan juggle his slippery sword! And that was Aerodus’ biggest mistake, he gave Goethe too much time to think. So I gotta hand it to Goethe.

We all stood around for a minute basking in the glory of a job well done. Eventually, Lorenz broke the silence, “I thought something was going to happen after we won”.

As soon as the words left his mouth, I was sucked into a familiar dream. I was standing above the clouds on the rocky summit of the Dragon Fang, the tallest mountain on Raptor Island. I felt a tremendous gushing heat from above, the heat evaporated the fluffy white clouds, revealing the awe inspiring landscape of my home. A shadow started to dim out the brightness and a bone rumbling bass cord started to drown out the quiet. I looked up slowly. An enormous falling star was rocketing straight for me. A familiar feeling of dread returned, back then it felt like the seas were coming to drown me, now it felt like the stars were coming to smash me. As the meteor grew nearer, it began breaking up into a fiery stone rain, the burning atmosphere sculpted the face of a great noble dragon in its center mass. The golden dragon spoke, “Fear not Reskafar, I have brought the heavens to greet you!”. I raised my hands to the air just as the falling star’s great dragon maw opened wide around the mountain. I didn’t feel a stars weight crushing me, I only felt a comforting closeness. I knew it this time, and screamed into the void, “I am Apsu!”.

I could feel myself being possessed by the Waybringer and I liked it. As Apsu, I spoke to my fallen heroes and my new heroes. I sent the fallen on to the next plane so they could finally rest. I bestowed the victors with a dragon’s voice to accompany their dragon hearts. I smiled as they each grabbed their throats in burning pain and fell to their knees. A dragon’s voice comes with a price! I warned them of the coming struggles as they writhed. Finally, deep in my heart, I felt a fleeting sliver of hope for the future then the divine connection faded.

“Was that something enough for you Vestin?”, scolded Aven after recovering, his voice echoed like a waterfall. All of our voices had changed. Myrrh’s voice whispered in the dark, Goethe’s voice scorched the air, Lorenz’ voice hung in the air like frost breath, and my own voice soured the air. We all looked at each other in disbelief.

Then the announcer chimed in again.

“What will our heroes do next? They learned the Dreadlords of Geb are possibly separating dragon spirits from their hoards. And that Gray Agents are seeking something in Katapesh’s night stalls. Will they follow the Infernal line? Who is Grulios? Will they take Camrad’s advice and retrieve the rest of their lost crew? Exactly, how much money is Lord Vestin IV on the hook for?

Stay tuned!

View
Memoirs of an Oracle
B-Squad Adventures #2

I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. Adventure keeps you young in mind, body, and spirit. I firmly believe that now that I am older than Obari coral. I greatly advise everyone to have as many adventures as waves in the sea. If fate allows, bring friends and make new ones along the way.

Chapter 3: Adventurers Supreme

Captain Reskafar did a curious thing, he wrote his Captain journals directly on to different parts of the ship for all to see. The masts, planks, decks, sails, furnishings, and rigging of the Deep Sea Current were littered with tales of the crew’s wild adventures. He later told me, “They belong to the ship and crew. Why keep them in a dusty book?”. I think that was a half truth. I think the other reason is he liked to brag. I lost myself in their crazy adventures the second day I was on board the ship.

There were fantastic accounts of daring prison breaks, pirate battles, courageous rescues, lost civilizations, dragon hoards, lost omens, divine intervention, and conspiracies that threatened to break the world. I couldn’t believe people could live so close to the rim! Each story was a fleeting glimpse into the eternal engine of fate that drives the cosmos. To me it looked like fate had forged two distinct worlds: theirs and mine. Their world overflowed with so much adventure it was impossible to turn a blind eye. In my world, you never dared to dream about adventure. In their world, humble beginnings like being born a slave meant nothing. In my world, being born a slave meant everything. I much preferred their world.

Sure enough, all of the stories were confirmed by members of the crew that day. It turned out, the majority of the junior officers and ordinary crew were saved and taken in by the executive crew, much like myself. They all spoke brightly of the senior crew and were proud to be part of such a unique crew. To this day, I wager the handful of survivors would say that their time serving was the greatest adventure of their life!

I also bumped into Lorenz on my scavenger hunt that day. “We’ve had the misfortune of living in interesting times”, he said with a coy smile, “Fortunately the times aren’t going to change for some spell”. I remember him casually strolling away, sipping saffron wine while delivering encouraging remarks to passers by. Thinking about him now, it’s plain as the tide why Lorenz was the First Vaults’ last visitor.

My obsession with the senior crew continued to mount after reading about them. Their stories were evidence that they were not merely an eclectic mix composed of a pirate, a magician, an assassin, a mercenary, and an auditor. They were much much more than that. The universe had pulled together a rare constellation of adventurers supreme.

Chapter 4: Next to the Nex Border

My adventure continued at daybreak with Hexa, Tokka, Vandlo, and Dervish. We headed north following the map left behind by Lord Vestin the First. The treasure was located close to the southern border of Nex, nestled somewhere along the shore among a group of three large rocks. Along the way, the impish Blatz tracked us down.

“Is that foolish shits for brains Goethe with you? That dull horned tiefling tried to use me as a cannonball shield the last time I saw him. He owes me a hell of an apology!”, the ill-tempered imp derided. Since Master Goethe wasn’t with us he agreed to help, which was a boon since he possessed a Goethe-like intellect along with his prickly personality. We traveled very close to the Nex border until we found our first clue, a strange arcane marking, which Blatz effortlessly identified during one of his impish diatribes about our collective deficiencies. Dervish and Hexa went around a bend to investigate some faint noises while Blatz deliberated.

A quick word about Tokka, Vandlo, and Blatz. I was always happy to have Aven’s trusted dragon turtle companion, Tokka, with me during a fray. Although his jaws could chew steel and he once capsized an island, I consider his negotiations during the Brine Wars his true legacy. I witnessed Vandlo break a thousand swords and fix ten thousand things during our time together. He later became a folk hero among shipwrights. According to the tales, Vandlo brawled in every harbor whooping all comers, bedded every floozy, and built a hundred ships with his bare hands. Blatz the imp familiar is ever connected to Goethe. Chelaxian historians are split on Blatz’s place in history. Some say the tiny devil was the source of Goethe’s undoing and others say we was the source of Goethe’s hell power. We will never know the truth but I suspect it was both. All things considered, a formidable away team.

“Okeno Slavers! Ahead”, shouted Hexa as she scrambled back in a rush. My fight or flight response triggered like pistol at the mention of the Okeno. The adrenaline shot paralyzed my legs with terror and skyrocketed by blood pressure. I could feel my spine preparing to seaver my legs off at the waist like fisherman’s snagged bait so I could escape on my hands. Three of us were ex-slaves with the scars and facial tattoos to prove it. I personally was owned by two different Okeno traders during my tenure. I was given as a gift to one as a child and lost in a dice game to another. The thought of being a slave again was soul crushing.

My body was about to run. However before it did, somewhere deep inside me a wellspring of borrowed memories erupted. I began to recall scenes from the senior crews’ first encounter with the Okeno like I was there the whole time. The crew showed no fear of the yellow sails and even lured the pirates in close with a distress flag. During the whole vision they were in control even during the bloody battle. The vision fast forwarded. After they brushed the Okeno away like fish scales, they got towed to Sedeq, then allied with Sohiz, and lastly they bought me. The visions faded. I realized the terrifying Okeno from my childhood were barely a bump in the road to Captain Reskafar’s crew. I was now part of that crew. I had the means to fight, powerful people backing me up, and people to protect. I remember a soothing calm wash over me. My tachycardia faded, my legs released, and my resolve for revenge turned sharper than a fillet knife.

We approached the small band of Okeno slavers with confidence and after a few pleasantries and assorted lies exchanged, the battle went something like this. Tokka steam boiled the marauders like dungeness crabs. Dervish sliced through their ranks in a swashbuckling whirlwind leaving a trail of sashimi. Hexa ducked about the shadows delivering peek-a-boo strikes with her great sword. Vandlo broke their will to fight by smashing their weapons with his bare knuckles. I summoned a school of reefclaws to aid us and called for the Okeno to surrender or risk total annihilation. Many did surrender including the commander of the slavers, a Katapeshi bard, but not until after he shot a signal flare into the sky.

“Fools! The Burnt Saffron is coming!. By the time, Captain Khorsheed is done with you. You will be begging for a collar. Shahahaha!”, cackled the man. Tokka returned in kind by snapping the self-absorbed man’s head off. The Burnt Saffron is a story for another day, suffice it to say, the Inner Sea has never been the same since.

In the aftermath, we uncovered Lord Vestin the First’s ancient clockwork steed. We loaded everything up in the Okeno’s small ship including the huge alien bird-like flying horse creature the pirates had captured. Blatz identified it as a shantak, an extraterrestrial from the Dark Tapestry. At the time, I had never heard of a shantak or how rare it was. We sailed back to our sea cave camp hoping the Captain and the others had returned from their adventure.

I would like you to consider the odds of it all if you please. What are the odds of defeating the Burnt Saffron’s slave catchers at the site of a century old buried treasure? Now consider that a random primal magic storm provided us with the treasure map. Lastly, throw in a space faring shantak into the calculation. Given those odds it is easy to see why I was so obsessed with my fate.

View
Memoirs of an Oracle
B-Squad Adventures #1

The story tied to my thread of fate has never been told. Many won’t believe me as I unravel it, but everything I write is as true as the ocean is blue. I wasn’t born an oracle, my powers awakened in my seventy seventh year, the year I was freed from slavery by a group of mythic heroes on a quest to save the world. I remember it like it was yesterday…

Chapter 1: Unshackled

I was purchased for 750 gold, from Sepyt Batab Sohiz II, the one hundred and ninetieth harbormaster of Sedeq by a ferocious looking undine man. It was the most gold I was ever sold for, but thankfully it was the last time I was traded. The undine man turned out to be Aven. This was sometime before he became famous during the Brine Wars on the elemental plane of water. Aven later told me he wasn’t going to buy me but did so on a whim to gain favor with the golden jackal Sohiz. At that time, I didn’t know what to think. I was bubbling turmoil on the inside and unruffled calm on the outside. In other words, I was the quintessential slave. I knew how to survive Sohiz, I didn’t know if I could survive belonging to such a beastly owner. It was a short time later when I met the rest of Aven’s crew mates including the most famous Kobold in the history of the world.

“Lord Vestin will see to you. So don’t come to me with your idiot questions”, was the first thing Captain Reskafar said to me and the rest of the purchased slaves after coming on board the Deep Sea Current. I couldn’t believe that a small shifty looking black Kobold toting an enormous musket was the Captain!

“We have a motto nailed above the galley. When you’re here, you’re family. Remember it, live it, it may save your life someday”, was the last thing he said before taking his leave. It sounded like a ridiculous slogan for some garden variety olive restaurant in Sedeq. An empty phrase or so I thought.

“Don’t look so glum, Bluey. You’re not a slave here. We don’t care if you swim away without saying bon voyage. But if you choose to stay, you will be part of something special. This crew is one of a kind. What the captain said is true. We take care of each other like family on this ship”, was the first thing Lorenz Vestin IV said to me. Lord Vestin spoke with a rare conviction that could move mountains or sink valleys so you couldn’t not listen to him. Looking back now, it is easy to see why he soared up the Church of Abadar ranks at record speed.

I was intrigued. I soon after met the rest of the senior crew, Professor Goethe Garax and Myrrh. This was well before Goethe got his picture hung in the Hall of Summoning at the Acadamae and well before the now infamous assassin Myrrh shocked the world. Anyone could tell the executive crew had an electric aura about them. It was like they were more in-tune with life than the rest of us. They seemed larger than life with room to grow. I only planned to stay until I could learn all their secrets. But the Gods had a different twist of fate in store for me.

Chapter 2: Elemental Ambush and a Rhinoceros

I was still in my infancy as an oracle when I had to defend myself and adopted crew from monsters. I learned quickly that Captain Reskafar’s crew attracted violence like blood attracts sharks. In a cramped sea cave in the desolate Spellscar desert around midnight was the site of my violent baptism. I shouldn’t have to tell you that the Spellscar desert is an unpredictable place due to its primal magic storms, but it bares repeating a hundred times. The Spellscar desert in an unpredictable place! When primal magic surges you have to throw out the rule book and go with the magically flow. Your at its mercy. On that night, the primal magic summoned a quartet of seething elementals and a grumpy rhinoceros.

The junior executive crew was in charge of the camp that night. The senior crew decided to follow a pale stranger into the Mana Wastes to meet a century old Grave Knight that morning. Their adventure is a story for another time! The junior executives composed of Lady Kaledith, Lady Hexa, Dervish, and Helig. Some of these names you may have heard of. Lady Kaledith later bought half of Druma, Lady Hexa became a key player in the Garax Ascendancy of Cheliax, Dervish retired as a legend from the Qadira fighting pits, and if you haven’t heard of Vestin’s man Helig than you probably have been living under a rock for the last fifty years.

I promised the Captain I’d protect his crew while he was away. He said four little words to me in response, “Protect your crew, Nomawyn”. He had already accepted me.

Luckily, the fire, lightning, sand, and mud elementals ignored me due to my undine lineage but the others weren’t so lucky, especially Helig. He has always had a knack for being unlucky. He was put to sleep immediately by the sandman and trampled by the rhino. The ever brave Dervish fought the fire elemental toe-to-toe while on fire without so much as flinching. Hexa bifurcated the lightning elemental and mud wrestled with the mudman. I used my oracle powers to summon crocodiles and bolster my allies. My novice magic may have done more harm than good! I could not control my magic sufficiently to prevent the primal magic storm from causing further chaos in the form of giant bugs, lightning bolts, and confusion. Again poor Helig took the brunt of the beating. In the end, the unpredictable storm did us a favor by swallowing up the sandman and unsummoning the rhino. I think I earned a modicum of respect from the others, but I knew I had a long way to go to master my oracle powers.

In the aftermath, we found a hidden chest that once belonged to Lorenz Vestin the First buried in the sea cave rubble. The chest contained more wealth than I have ever seen, in addition to a treasure map with two big Xs. Was this fate or coincidence? The thought still lights a fire in my belly. Soon after, I ran headlong into my first adventure!!!

View
Bird Feather Token!!! A Special Message before Showdown
It's a letter found attached to a bird feather token

Greetings Professor Goethe,

I hope this message finds you with eyes. In case you don’t have eyes have someone with eyes read this to you.

Aven, Myrrh, and I spent the day with the Aerodus the invincible undead turd. All I can say is he is one hell of a Graveknight! That weirdo is one determined son of a bitch, he remembers nil about his former life, and only thinks about kicking our asses. Doesn’t the idiot know he’s dead, for cryin’ out loud I’ve told him about a hundred times!

The bastard is always blathering crazy shit to us like he is going to conscript us into his undead crew after he melts the meat off our faces and he is invincible like Death. We’ll put that invincible title to the test in a few hours won’t we. Please bring anti-invincible supplies!

The melting thing is true, we saw him liquefy a living pile of rocks like insect butter drizzled over baked mushrooms stuffed with night crawlers. He can also shoot a buttery acid wave from his hands which looked pretty devastating so we probably shouldn’t be standing next to each other holding our dicks. Whoever among us draws the short straw is going to need an acid proof poncho or something. Please bring antacid supplies!

He also looks excellent on his horse. In his past life he musta spent many years in the saddle. The horse looked a little magic-y to me since it could fly a little and is a bit see through. Please bring anti-horse magic supplies!

Aerodus also proclaimed, that Camrad is agile and Lini is arcane. Please bring anti-agile and anti-arcane supplies!

We get to fight in a Ghost town! How cool is that? We didn’t see any ghosts so a deserted town may be a better descriptor. There’s so much freaking magic in the air you can see it hang around in puffy clouds like cotton candy at the worm harvest festival. The town is in a gulch divided by a shallow stream and surrounded by cliffs ten times my height. The battle will begin when Tebrilith starts performing. Please bring a nose flute! Wait, she says a seven string zither.

As strong as this guy is I really should be getting scared. Like pissing my scales scared, but I don’t feel anything. In fact, I am starting to creep myself out with how not scared I am. Ain’t that some shit? Hope Alkenstar is a party town because I am going to paint that city red when we finish with these corrupted dill holes.

See ya at dawn! It’s going to be one for the ages. Try not to get mutilated before your return.

Sincerely,
Captain Reskafar

P.S. bring rum we’re thirsty

View
Heroes of Past and Present Collide!!! Countdown to Showdown!!!
Captain’s log found on a tent

The man came around, he was nearly skeletal and obviously undead even to my untrained eye. Its garb was dusty and weathered, and smelled of old decay, and dual pistols made of bone hung low around his hips. His voice was leathery and low like he had gravel for vocal chords, “I smell Apsu all over what’s left of you, youngbloods. I’m Camrad of the Wastes, follow me, Aerodus wants to see you”.

Before we took off with Camrad of the Wastes into the wastes we went back to camp to ferret out a few things. The crew thought we were undead since we looked like hell, especially Goethe, and it took a while to convince them otherwise (Hexa). Our journey into the wastes was going to take many days hard travel, no place for domestic halfling slaves, so we found a sea cave to safe haven our friends. While the encampment moved, Goethe analyzed all the objects for the Waybringer wreckage. Analyze might be too strong of a word, it was more like one hand fondling and eyeless staring. The bibliophile came up aces. The doll was a witches familiar, the gauntlet was for a ancient Hell Knight, the broken revolver for a gunman, and a the holy symbol for a Abadar holyman. Camrad let slide that all the items belonged to his crew a 100 years ago, Apsu had sent them on the same quest as us, except they all were killed by Ezgar. The bigger brains on the crew were able to put two and two together, if Camrad was an ancient gunman and now an undead monster, a similar ill fate must of begotten the rest of his crew. Restless witches can become undead witchfires bathed it sickly green light and restless Hell Knights can become undead Grave Knights trapped in their bloodsoaked armor. Apparently, the key belonged to one of Lorenz’s ancestors who mysteriously survived his encounter with Ezgar. The question remained were these fallen heroes friend or foe?

We shambled off in the Wastes before nightfall. We brought Tebrilith with us since she was affected with the mutant virus along with Aven and myself. Camrad guaranteed us that magic exists in the Spellscar desert and we needed magic to cure the disease. Plus it was safer for Kaledith’s camp for Tebrilith to travel with us in case she turned violent. We traveled for two days, each day I felt the wasting disease grow stronger and my own strength dwindle. The shifting sands, the blazing sun, the freezing nights, and scorpion cyclones made the trek miserable. Yet, I was thankful to be under the blue sky, to feel the wind, and walk to the rhythm of my own beating heart. I was alive!

On the third day, we came to an eroded out old watchtower which I swore was a mirage from afar. Just as Camrad promised magic flowed like water from a spigot when we neared. Goethe and Lorenz were overjoyed. Lorenz quickly went to cure our mana wasting disease. As soon as he casted his spell, the spell’s magic erratically fluctuated like the rolling tide once it left his touch. The magic meant to cure one instead mutated into a panacea. The magically healing was a primal orgasmic rush, I could feel it fix my spine, cure my disease, and return my vigor. It was clear that the magic here was no ordinary magic.

Inside we met the Waybringer’s captain, Grave Knight Aerodus Pavo, and the rest of the undead crew, including Lini the green witchfire. I could feel a mysterious bond with them like we were the same notes in a melody that has lasted a hundred years. By the look of it, it was a sad song. My gut told me, we were baptized by the same fire and exiled by the same evil. I stared hard at the long time travelers and wondered how long their springs of joy were dry. Is their fate our own? Cursed to wander, cursed to thirst, cursed to hunger, cursed to remember. Was I looking in the mirror? I didn’t like the horrid reflection staring back. In this situation, you could let yourself feel sad or worse afraid. But, I don’t toe that pussy line, I can let my stupid fear die.

“Prepare yourselves. At midnight we shall see who Apsu favors most!”, decreed Aerodus. I realized I missed a whole mess of words. They wanted a fair showdown. If we win what’s left of their godly spark will be pledged to us. I didn’t see why they just handed it over to us since we were alive and they were not. Selfish Bastards!

“Look at you sittin’ pretty in your own pigsty. I bet you never tarry to carry the load anymore. We will be ready for the blood and ready for the honey”, I smugly responded, then patiently sat. Lorenz and Goethe teleported to Alkenstar for supplies to make the showdown fair or perhaps tip the scales in our favor.

View
Helig the Giant Slayer!!! Putting it all on the Line for Friendship
Captain’s log found on a barrel

“Damn it all to the deep! Where the hell are Goethe and Aven?”, I yelled after noticing the trio of mutant knoll riders were not alone. They had some ugly back up, a 14 feet tall, heavy metal encased, ship cannon on a stick toting, dumb as a stump, giant mutant knoll. We needed back up too since we were hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned. To make matters worse the knolls had a hostage and the lay of the land. I didn’t know if Myrrh, Lorenz, Helig, and I could win against such polymorphic odds. All I knew was, you mess with us, YOU GOT PROBLEMS!

I peppered the closest rider with hot lead. It pained me to see that its thick hide dulled much of the impact, but it did enough to let him know we weren’t pansies. I lamented the fact, I didn’t have the gun Ezgar ripped from my hands nor the power from my magic trinkets. But what I lamented most of all was my missing friends. If Aven was here he’d butcher these fools and if Goethe was here he’d lecture them to death. Where were they?

Suddenly, I heard a noise from above in the pitch black sky. It sounded like arguing. It sounded like the bickering between an old munthrek married couple fighting over directions or window treatments. One voice balked, “Over there you pointy headed idiot. Take us over there”. It kinda sounded like Aven’s flavor of frustration.

“No I will not change course. I have taken into my calculations the buoyancy of the balloons, the relative wind speed, the impending sunrise, the moon phase, the temperature, the barometric pressure, our weight, and the curvature of the earth. We will land in the correct spot. Trust me”, belabored a second voice. It kinda sounded like Goethe’s tireless logic.

“Fine do it your way! Goethe, if this fails I will kill you myself!”, said Aven’s flippant voice.

“You can try Aven. I assure you nothing can go wrong. I have analyzed all possible variables there is no danger”, responded Goethe’s irrefutable voice. They really came! I looked up to see Goethe and Aven on the verge of a slap fight dangling from gray balloons on fast approach. Those magnificent bastards! My heart soared with the thought of them coming to save the day like hell bent action heroes. Individually we’re freaks but together we‘re whole and can stand against any tide.

Unfortunately, the big dumb one saw them too. The giant mouth breather eagerly planted his cannon stick into the ground and took aim. We tried to warn Goethe and Aven about their imminent doom but they lazily fluttered in light as feathers. The empty-headed knoll salivated and lit the fuse. I have seen many cannons fire in my day, but I have never seen such a violent eruption in all my life as that cannon tied to a stick. The imbecile must of packed it with ten times the amount of black powder and a hundred pounds of scrap metal. I felt the shock wave from the shrapnel blast like a powerful gust of wind from a clear 50 yards away. If I had hair it would’ve been blown back straight as an arrow. After the blast subsided, two bloody albino red eyes tangled in optic nerve endings rolled to my feet and a shredded white hand landed in a muddle in front of me. My heart sank and almost quit beating. Was this all that was left of Goethe?

“Mada, Mada Dane”, an obstinate voice scoffed as the dust settled, once the last cloud cleared the grisly vision of Aven stood proud. Shrapnel had pierced him like a pincushion, black powder had burned him, and his guts busted out his belly. I thought he looked bad when he was skinned alive just hours ago but now he looked twice as bad. His sword was already drawn, his steely gaze already fixed on the cackling knoll. Aven the maniac charged!

I didn’t see it coming, I was too caught up in Goethe and Aven’s plight, the pitted shot hit me in my left oblique scale. The pain came in overlapping waves, shrinking my world world down to a vanishing point, the pain tried to make me completely disappear. I wouldn’t let it. Everything went black for a second, when the lights came back on the pain in my back was tremendous and debilitating like I just got sawed in half. If that luck sack shot had hit me a scantling to the left I’m sure I would’ve been paralyzed. As it was the spinal damage was severe, but I still could muster my arms and legs with a great deal of effort. I felt like the walking carcass of the once great Captain Reskafar due to the extent of my injures. But I wasn’t nearly dead enough to stop fighting!

I pulled an “old gunslinger trick” out of my ass. A trick can be worth more than all the spice in Sedeq when properly timed. I grit my teeth, and returned fire with a single well placed shot to the rider’s fetid head. The bullet ricocheted off his head meat and the knoll went cross-eyed. In its confusion, the dumb bastard blew the back of his mount’s head off. The blind-sided hyena retaliated by bucking the rider to the ground and dragging him off into the wastes never to be seen from again. That worked out well!

Then I noticed two things. First, Lorenz was dripping in so much sweat he looked like a pig on the hottest day of the year at high noon. Second, the big dumb knoll’s pleased look turned to deep regret and he started sobbing like a pup. With no signs of stopping, the giant started smashing the tip of the cannon to his face with all his mutant strength. That bought Myrrh and Helig enough time to free Tebrilith from the last rider with scary efficient bladed team work. She looked alive I think. The giant eventually snapped out of its terrible remorse. We tried to take the big guntank out to little effect. We might as well been the buzzing of flies to that armored behemoth. Until something happened that I have never seen before in all my life!

All 3’ of Helig leaped sky high until he was face to face with the 14’ mutant knoll guntank. I saw the silvery glint of Helig’s chef knives disappear into the armored giant’s battered face plate. I swear the same silvery glint possessed Helig’s eyes, the flash of death, as he twisted both knives. The giant knoll stopped dead in its tracks not making a sound. Helig landed in a picturesque pirouette, behind him the lifeless giant slowly fell to its knees than face-planted forward in a loud clatter of makeshift metal. It reminded me of a great oak falling to the ground. Helig never looked back at his giant kill and walked dutifully back to Lorenz’s side. Begads, Helig has come a long way! Three cheers for Helig the Giant Slayer!!!

It was done. I think we all survived if you call our state survival. Goethe was missing his eyes, left hand, and copious blood vessels. He had done just enough to live. Aven was missing most of his entrails but he had his blue skin back. I was missing bits of my spine and could feel one hell of a fever growing. Myrrh got hammered flat with a cannon sized club. Tebrilith was hyena cud. Only Lorenz and Helig looked relatively unharmed which seemed fitting. A few minutes passed in silence except for the chorus of exhausted breath and Goethe’s solo eyeless moans.

Then I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder in the midst of the sunrise burgeoning over the hill top. The horizon’s thunderous voice seemed to say, “Come and see”. And I saw. And beheld, a pale horse at the top of the hill wrapped in the dawn. The rider that sat on him looked like Death and I wondered if hell followed with him. When the man comes around.

View
Mutants!!! Why’d it have to be Mutants?
Captain’s log found on floating trunk

I waited for Vandlo. It was his turn to go.

“I will make a blood eagle out of Ezgar. First, I cut away the flesh over his spine, long strip by long strip, with my racing knife. Then, I sever his ribs from his spine with my ax. Next, I break his ribs with my caulking mallet so they resemble blood-stained wings. Through the wounds in his back, I slowly yank out his still beating lungs with my twin cant hooks. To complete the ritual, I drape his purple lungs and broken ribs over his shoulders. Lastly, I will ground salt into his wounds. His screams will be glorious music! My father in heaven will dance a jig to his melody! I will dance with him!”, said Vandlo excitedly, while miming the sequence of motions like a trained executioner.

“Your turn, Captain”, he finished in a deep exhale.

“I am going to chop his arms and legs off with a rusty ax. They shouldn’t grow back. Makem’ watch as I burn each limb to ash then pour the bitter soot down his throat. Makem’ choke on his own arms and legs for awhile! Next, I will chain his arm less, leg less trunk to the Deep Sea Current’s anchor. Then I will find the coldest loneliest trench in the five seas and drop the anchor. He will suffer forever in cold blackness just like the Current.”, I responded, surprised by my morbid revelry.

We passed our watch on the shores of the Mana Wastes telling stories like that to each other. Vandlo had a crueler more detailed imagination than me but he was sick with grief over losing his father, Pov. I have always thought munthreks cling to their family to closely. But it was not their fault, munthreks have no community compared to Kobolds. Kobolds are raised by the tribe, taught by the tribe, and loved by the tribe. Kobold fathers just help bury the eggs in the sand then stroll away. Munthrek fathers wipe noses, bandage hurt knees, and tuck their children into warm beds each night for decades. I was angry because I lost my ship and friend. But I think, Vandlo lost more, his father was his only tribe, and he needed to release his hate. Comforting him was foreign to me, no one wants a hug from a Kobold, so we indulged in our symphony of murder fantasies together. Sleep came fast when the next watch relieved us.

I heard a halfling scream in the early hours of the morning. First, I thought Lorenz’s man Helig had burned my breakfast fish, but soon I was told Helig and Tebrilith were missing. The fools had gone off to search the washed up shipwreck of the Way Bringer (Good Name!) and its ghostly guardians. Lorenz, Myrrh, and I ran over a wasted hill towards the halfling screams. We were greeted by a green glowing ghost woman who really wanted to hold hands. Lorenz advised against it. We could see Helig and Tebrilith were surrounded in six blueish dancing lights that swirled around them. Lorenz yelled at them, “Get over here dumbbells!”.

In the southern darkness, strangled farm animal noises could be heard approaching fast. It sounded like a stampeding petting zoo being wrangled by trigger happy shepherds. The green specter hissed in the direction of the squealing then it imploded in a flashy green vortex taking the six blue wisps with her.

Then we saw the raiding party. They struck like quicksilver and retreated even faster. Three mutant knolls mounted on mutant hyenas crashed in shooting makeshift firearms wildly into the air like banditos. Very Subtle! One of the frothing hyena scooped up Tebrilith in its huge drooling maw and took off back into the shadows. Skillfully, Helig ducked and rolled to avoid similar fate.

“Mutants! Why’d it have to be mutants?”, I raged. I stopped to take a huge breath.

“Why’d it have to be disease spreading, mutt faced, inbred, yellow bellied, dimple dick, unwashed, slack jaw, lice infested, tumor addled, slug-slimed, crossed eyed, skunk stool, fever driven, dimwitted, hyena fondling, maggot burger, pustule populated, hunchbacked, fuzz butt, open sore, lumpy lipped, meat starved, hind-brain, cyst balls, glabrous tailed, ten nippled, flea bitten, crotch rot, scab picking, fart quim, bulbous bone, greasy hair, asymmetric braggadocio, boil painted, fungus festered, goiter gummed, smelly ass, virus belching, snot nosed, rattle clawed, sweat soaked, diarrhea mouth, gland swelled, tooth decayed, fork tongued, waxy eared, crusty clothed, worm-blooded, sorry excuse for mutant bastards?”, I ranted. My voice ran hoarse and head went dizzy.

I was mad as hell from stress and utterly exasperated. This was too much. This was the last straw! I lost my ship, my crew, and my friend. Vandlo lost his father. I got my ass handed to me on a silver platter. Lost my gun, lost my knife. For cryin’ out loud, I was still bleeding. Myrrh was hobbled. Goethe was gone. Aven was gone. Lorenz was broken. We were all stranded, starved, tired, and devoid of magic. And now, filthy knoll mutants kidnap Tebrilith right out from under our snouts. No way! No sir, not today, not while I am still captain! No one else dies today!

We all pursued like a bat cloud out of hell. I may not be able to assist Vandlo make a blood eagle out of Ezgar, but I sure as hell can pump a bunch of mutant bastards full of lead.

View

I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.